The funniest poll ever?

After being compared to Paul Robinson, should Peter Schmeichel sue Steve McClaren for slander?
http://www.football365.com/poll/0,17053,8806_50411_r,00.html

"Out of Office" replies

1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I
fail to get the position. I may be a little moody so be prepared.

2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of
the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received
anything at all.

3. Sorry to have missed you, but I am at the doctor's having my brain
removed so I can be promoted to our management team.

4. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you
send me until I return from vacation on 4/18. Please be patient, and
your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

5. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged £5.99
for the first 10 words and £1.99 for each additional word in your
message.

6. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is
unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try
sending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can
see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over.)

7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing
system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a
reply in approximately 19 weeks.

8. Hi, I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by
your PC for my response.

9. I've run away to join a different circus.

10. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical
reasons. When I return, please refer to me as "Sharon" instead of
"Steve".

Terrible joke about cows

A farmer goes out to his field one morning only to find all of his
Cows frozen solid.

As far as the eye can see the cows, are motionless like statues.

It had been a bitterly cold night, but he'd never thought anything
like this would happen.

The realisation of the situation then dawned on him.

With his entire livestock gone, how would he make ends meet? How would
he feed his wife and kids? How would he pay the mortgage?

He sat with his head in his hands, trying to come to terms with his
impending poverty.

Just then, an elderly woman walked by, "What's the matter?" asked the old lady.

The farmer gestured toward the frozen cows and explained his
predicament to the woman.

Without hesitation the old woman smiled and began to rub one of the
cow's noses. After a few seconds the cow began to twitch and was soon
back to normal and chewing the cud.

One by one, the old woman defrosted the cows until the whole field was
full of healthy animals.

The farmer was delighted and asked the woman what she wanted as a
repayment for her deed.

She declined his offer and walked off across the field.

A passer-by who had witnessed the whole thing approached the farmer.

"You know who that was don't you?" asked the passer-by.

"No" said the farmer "who?"

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

"That was Thora Hird."

Finger lickin' good: McDonald's and free Wi-Fi

Is this really the place for your pre-meeting coffee?

Okay, I may have got my fast food chain advertising slogans mixed up.
But it makes a good point about the free Wi-Fi at every McDonald's
story. And that's this - fast food and your good old laptop don't
really make the best bedfellows.

Let me take a similar scenario from my drawer marked 'experience'.
Every time my brother comes over for a drinking session he comes back
to my flat with a stinking kebab. This is fine, but then he wants to
go online - getting his greasy fingers all over my trusty laptop.

You can see where I'm going with this.

Added to which, McDonald's demographic hardly reflects the
laptop-touting road warrior. Need somewhere for that pre-meeting
coffee? Hmm, let me think - Starbucks or McDonald's? However,
McDonald's is making a lot more of its alternative food options and,
more importantly for people with laptops, coffee. See, coffee and
Wi-Fi hotspots are inextricably linked. Like Terry and June and
Morcombe and Wise, they're a match buried deep within the social
fabric of Britain.

AdvertisementCoffee is the catalyst for a large portion of the
paid-for hotspots in the country. That's why there is also Wi-Fi in a
large majority of chain pubs, such as those owned by JD Wetherspoon.
They want to attract the day crowd. Wi-Fi is also in a huge number of
other pubs buried inside those multiple games machines. Played Who
Wants to Be A Millionaire? Or Deal or No Deal? You were playing on the
thing that provides the wireless hotspot.

And that could be where it's going to become rather interesting.

Say a relatively innovative company like Wetherspoons looks at the
McDonald's deal and says "we'll do free Wi-Fi" too - the chain
reaction could be enormous. Could we really see free Wi-Fi across the
high street in a few years time? Quite possibly, and hats off to
McDonald's for starting it all off. We probably just need one other
major player to jump on the bandwagon - and then the ball really could
start rolling.

Originally posted at http://www.tech.co.uk/

Carlsberg DraftMaster "Probably the best gadget in the World"

Perhaps they'll send us one? Hmm, perhaps not.

 

---------- Forwarded message ----------

From: Alex Blundell
Date: Oct 3, 2007 11:52 AM
Subject: Carlsberg DraftMaster "Probably the best gadget in the World"
To: Alex Blundell

Carlsberg UK Launches

 "Probably the best gadget in the World"

October 2007: Imagine pulling the perfect pint... at home.

Well finally, the wait for draught quality lager at home is over, as Carlsberg's new DraughtMaster™ gives beer lovers everywhere the chance to enjoy the freshness of a pint that has until now only been available in pubs. The self-contained home dispense unit keeps the beer cool and ensures a freshly poured pint whenever you want.

The latest DraughtMaster™ hits retailers shelves this month and features a number of new features that help to deliver a cooler pint with the perfect head. An advanced pre-cool function and twin-speed fan allows consumers to initiate a quicker keg cooling process, so freeing up valuable fridge space even quicker!

The stylish unit is designed around Carlsberg's patented one way keg system, which uses breakthrough PET technology to ensure that the beer maintains its freshness for up to 3 weeks after first pour. Simply insert the pre-cooled keg, connect the beer tap and pour your perfect pint.

The result of over 7 years of research and development by the Carlsberg Innovation Team in Copenhagen, the contemporary black and chrome DraughtMaster™ has been designed in partnership with award winning Scandinavian design house CBD A/S, and looks equally at home in the modern kitchen or bachelor pad.

With 24 million regular lager drinkers across the UK* and a great 'night in' becoming increasingly popular, having a DraughtMaster™ to hand is essential for all drinking occasions at home – whether it be watching footy with the lads, entertaining friends, or providing that well deserved pint after work.

Darran Britton, Marketing Director from Carlsberg comments: 'Our latest DraughtMaster™ not only looks stylish, but ensures each pint poured is at the perfect temperature ensuring a fresh, draught quality pint, making the DraughtMaster™ the ideal X mas gift and must have item for lovers of quality beer everywhere'

The unique 'plug and pour' unit is simple to use, and is free from complicated tubes and pumps. The 9 pint kegs are bought separately and each of the components are recyclable. Each DraughtMaster™ comes with a chrome tap, drip tray, and Carlsberg's approved guide to pint pulling.

The Carlsberg DraughtMaster™ will be available from Comet, John Lewis, The Next Directory, Littlewoods Direct, and Argos at the recommended retail price of £129.99, with 5 litre kegs of Carlsberg Export costing £13.99 each, available from selected Tesco and Thresher stores.